Nothing says “holiday spirit” quite like an ugly sweater party and white elephant gift exchange with people you see once a year. If you’re looking for funny Christmas quotes to get you through another holiday season, these will make you laugh so hard you’ll nearly spit out your eggnog.
The holidays are a magical time when we pretend calories don’t count, convince ourselves that matching family pajamas is a good idea, and temporarily forget that we swore never to host another family gathering. Whether you’re looking for the perfect Instagram caption or just need something to mutter under your breath while untangling Christmas lights for the third time, these funny quotes about Christmas traditions, Santa Claus, gift gifting, and family gatherings will help you survive December with your sense of humor intact.
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Table of Contents
Do You Celebrate Christmas?
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Funny Quotes About Christmas Traditions
Ah, the cherished holiday traditions — baking, decorating, and singing “Jingle Bells” until you lose your voice. Here are some quotes that put a hilarious twist on the classic Christmas rituals we love (and tolerate) each year.
“Eat, drink, and be merry… for tomorrow we diet!”
— Cathy Hopkins
”The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.”
— Buddy in Elf
“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”
― Dave Barry
”Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”
— Samantha Bee
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
—Andy Borowitz
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”
— Andy Borowitz
“There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.”
— Kristen Wiig
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
—Phyllis Diller
“Bloody Christmas, here again, let us raise a loving cup, peace on earth, goodwill to men and make them do the washing up.”
— Wendy Cope
“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.”
— Buddy in Elf
Ho Ho Hilarious Quotes About Santa
From belly laughs to beard envy, Santa has brought more than just toys and treats to Christmas — he’s the jolliest muse for comedians everywhere. Fun fact: Santa’s belly jiggles like a bowl full of jelly because he stress-eats while reading millions of children’s letters. These quotes celebrate the world’s most famous home invader, celebrating the big guy in red with all the humor he deserves.
Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
— Victor Borge
“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.”
— Gary Allan
“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.”
— Bob Phillips
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”
— Melanie White
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.”
— Bart Simpson
“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.”
— Linda Sunshine
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 6. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.”
— Shirley Temple
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
— George Carlin
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”
— Robert Paul
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”
—W.C. Fields
“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.”
— Earthman Adam
“Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?”
— Jimmy Kimmel
Funny Quotes About Holiday Gifting
If there’s one holiday tradition that makes us laugh and cry, it’s gift shopping. From the pressure of finding the perfect gift to the inevitable “where’s the receipt?” moment, these quotes capture the humor in holiday gifting.
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
— Henny Youngman
“It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”
— Milton Berle
“Got all my Christmas shopping done. Now to shop for other people.”
— Conan O’Brien
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.”
— O Henry
“Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.”
— Douglas Coupland
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
— Kin Hubbard
“There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.”
— Milton Berle
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
— Johnny Carson
“Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
— Dave Barry
“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.”
— Larry Wilde
“There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?”
— Conan O’Brien
Funny Quotes About Family Gatherings
Ah, family gatherings — where we bond, bicker, and inevitably bring up the best (and worst) memories. These quotes are a tribute to the beautifully chaotic holiday season spent with family. Here’s to the ones who make us laugh, cry, and wonder why we don’t host these gatherings a little less often.
“No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.”
— Erma Bombeck
“A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.”
— Melanie White
“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.”
— Jimmy Kimmel
“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.”
— Les Dawson
Deck the Halls with These Funny Christmas Quotes
It’s time to trim the tree, string the lights, and potentially lose your cool in the process. These quotes capture the unique joy (and occasional frustration) of decorating for Christmas.
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”
— Larry Wilde
“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”
— Charles M. Schulz
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
—Winston Spear
“Thank you, stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.”
— Jimmy Fallon
“There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.”
— Dan Florence
“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
— Maya Angelou
“Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here making everything magical and shit.”
— Every Mom in December
Funny Quotes About Holiday Cards
Every December, my mailbox fills up with photographic proof that my friends’ children are growing up way faster than any of us would like. Whether you’re the type who orders custom photo cards in July or the one grabbing a generic box of greeting cards at CVS on December 23rd, these quotes about the annual tradition of holiday correspondence will make you smile.
“Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.”
— Melanie White
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’”
— Bernard Manning
”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.”
— Johnny Carson
“You have such a pretty face. You should be on a Christmas card.”
— Buddy in Elf
Funny Christmas One-Liners
Short, sweet, and festive, these one-liners pack a punch of holiday humor in just a few words. Perfect for breaking the ice at holiday parties or adding a bit of sass to your seasonal texts. Read on for the quickest laughs this side of the North Pole!
”Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.”
“Christmas is the season of peace and goodwill until you try to find a parking spot at the mall.”
“It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.”
“Dear Santa, This year I want a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don’t mix those two up like you did last year. Thanks!”
“I’m the reason Santa has a naughty list.”
“Christmas is a magical time of year…I just watched all my money magically disappear.”
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.”
“Christmas is too sparkly — said no one ever.”
“I told Santa you were good this year… and he died laughing.”
“Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.”
“I’m not a Scrooge; I’m just allergic to spending money.”
“Dear Santa, I don’t care how long I’m on the naughty list — that was funny!”
“Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.”
“Who needs Santa when you’ve got Amazon Prime?”
“My favorite part of the Christmas season is the part where the eggnog kicks in.”
“Santa saw your Instagram… you’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.”
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
“I wish Santa would publish his naughty list. What a great way to meet people!”
“The Grinch never hated Christmas, he hated people, which is fair.”
“Christmas is a magical time… unless you’re in charge of the wrapping paper.”
“Tis the season to sparkle—and by sparkle, I mean sweat in the kitchen all day.”
“Nothing says Christmas like a sugar high and a broken ornament.”
“You should never drink and wrap presents. And also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I’m gonna need that back.”
“Wanna meet me under the mistletoe?”
“Mary, exhausted, having just gotten baby Jesus to sleep is approached by a young man who thinks to himself: What this girl needs is a drum solo!”
“Let’s all take a moment to recognize the true heroes of the season — elastic waistbands”
“All I want for Christmas is… someone else to do the dishes.”
“I put so much thought into your gift that it’s now too late to buy it.”
“What’s up, Grinches?”
“Look at me being all festive and shit!”
“Christmas sweaters: the only time it’s acceptable to dress like your grandma’s couch.”
“I’m gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I’m a gift.”
“You don’t know how old you are until you sit on the floor to wrap Christmas gifts and then try to get up…”
What’s Your Favorite Funny Christmas Quote?
Did any of these quotes deck your halls? Maybe one made you laugh harder than Grandpa after his third glass of “special” hot chocolate? I am always down for more holiday humor, so share your favorite festive funny in the comments section below.
